I struggle everyday under the weight of my own cross. It’s heavy, exhausting, painful, and grieving at times. I don’t like to admit, but sometimes, I try to lay it down and forget I even have to carry it. It is then, as I attempt to walk farther down the road, that I begin to feel the splintering effects of trying to let it go. I end up feeling worse and alone. My independence tries to convince me that things will be like they were in the past- when I felt free, but it lies to me. I cannot find freedom in leaving it behind and I can’t find freedom in picking it up and trying to carry it myself. So, then, what is a girl to do when Candida, eating gluten free, eating no dairy or sugar is so burdensome?
This month, Easter week was the greatest reminder of all for me to lay down my pride and surrender my will, I suppose it’s time to consider how refusing to walk in this state of surrender will then lead to my body’s premature failure. I want to be able to live a long life as a wife, mom, and one day grandmother; I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor and the joy that come from being older and wiser. Maybe that is what we all hope for- a long life with all of its benefits and as little pain as possible. I know Jesus understood the consequences of not carrying his own cross. It would have been a life without hope, a life without help, a life without eternal peace- leading only to a darker level of suffering and pain forever. I live every day, grateful for his grace. He’s already paid for my life insurance plan by paying it in full and dying on a cross for me. It’s because of this belief that I will be able to say good riddance to this worn out body one day. As his cross bearing child, I am assured that one day, apart from this earth, I will find ultimate healing, comfort, and an eternal glory that is beyond my imagination.
“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26 (ESV Bible)